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History of the world
A brief History of Time Part I (the B.C. years)
3050 B.C.- A Sumerian invents the wheel. Within the week, the idea
is stolen and duplicated by other Sumerians, thereby establishing
the business ethic for all times.
2900 B.C.-Wondering why the Egyptians call that new thing a Sphinx
becomes the first of the world's Seven Great Wonders.
1850 B.C.-Britons proclaim Operation Stonehenge a success. They've
finally gotten those boulders arranged in a sufficiently meaningless
pattern to confuse the hell out of scientists for centuries.
1785 B.C.-The first calendar, composed of a year with 354 days, is
introduced by Babylonian scientists.
1768 B.C.-Babylonians realize something is wrong when winter begins
in June.
776 B.C.-The world's first known money appears in Persia,
immediately causing the world's first known counterfeiter to appear
in Persia the next day.
525 B.C.-The first Olympics are held, and prove similar to the
modern games, except that the Russians don't try to enter a
six-footer with a mustache in the women's shot put. However, the
Egyptians do!
410 B.C.-Rome ends the practice of throwing debtors into slavery,
thus removing the biggest single obstacle to the development of the
credit card.
404 B.C.-The Peloponnesian war has been going on for 27 years now
because neither side can find a treaty writer who knows how to spell
Peloponnesian.
214 B.C.-Tens of thousands of Chinese labor for a generation to
build the 1,500 mile long Great Wall of China. And after all that,
it still doesn't keep the neighbor's dog out.
1 B.C.-Calendar manufacturers find themselves in total disagreement
over what to call next year.
00 A.D. Computer Programmers wiped out of existence for over 900
years due to year Zero K problem.
Part II ( Early A.D.)
79 A.D.- Buying property in Pompeii turns out to have been a lousy
real estate investment.
432- St. Patrick introduces Christianity to Ireland, thereby giving
the natives something interesting to fight about for the rest of
their recorded history.
1000-Leif Ericsson discovers America, but decides it's not worth
mentioning.
1043-Lady Godiva finds a means of demonstrating against high taxes
that immediately makes everyone forget what she is demonstrating
against.
1125-Arabic numerals are introduced to Europe, enabling peasants to
solve the most baffling problem that confronts them: How much tax do
you owe on MMMDCCCLX Lira when you're in the XXXVI percent bracket?
1233-The Inquisition is set up to torture and kill anyone who
disagrees with the Law of the Church. However, the practice is so
un-Christian that it is permitted to continue for only 600 years.
1297-The world's first stock exchange opens, but no one has the
foresight to buy IBM or Xerox.
1433- Portugal launches the African slave trade, which just proves
what a small, ambitious country can do with a little bit of
ingenuity and a whole lot of evil!
1456-An English judge reviews Joan of Arc's case and cancels her
death sentence. Unfortunately for her, she was put to death in 1431.
1492- Columbus proves how lost he really is by landing in the
Bahamas, naming the place San Salvador, and calling the people who
live there Indians.
1497-Amerigo Vespucci becomes the 7th or 8th explorer to become the
new world, but the first to think of naming it in honor of
himself...the United States of Vespuccia!
1508-Michelangelo finally agrees to paint the ceiling of the Sistine
Chapel, but he still refuses to wash the windows.
1513-Ponce de Leon claims he found the Fountain of youth, but dies
of old age trying to remember where it was he found it.
1522-Scientists, who know the world is flat, conclude that Magellan
made it all the way around by crawling across the bottom.
1568-Saddened over the slander of his good name, Ivan the Terrible
kills another 100,000 peasants to make them stop calling him Ivan
the Terrible.
1607-The Indians laugh themselves silly as the first European
tourist to visit Virginia tries to register as "John Smith".
1618-Future Generations are doomed as the English execute Sir Walter
Raleigh, but allow his tobacco plants to live.
1642-Nine students receive the first Bachelor of Arts degrees
conferred in America, and immediately discover there are no jobs
open for a kid with a liberal arts education.
1670-The pilgrims are too busy burning false witches to observe the
golden anniversary of their winning religious freedom.
1755-Samuel Johnson issues the first English Dictionary, at last
providing young children with a book they can look up dirty words
in.
1758- New Jersey is chosen as the site of America's first Indian
reservation, which should give Indians an idea of the kind of shabby
living conditions they can expect from here on out.
1763-The French and Indian War ends. The French and Indians both
lost.
1770-The shooting of three people in the Boston Massacre touches off
the Revolution. 200 Years later, three shootings in Boston will be
considered just about average for a Saturday Night.
1773-Colonists dump tea into Boston Harbor. British call the act
"barbaric", noting that no one added cream.
1776-Napoleon decides to maintain a position of neutrality in the
American Revolution, primarily because he is only seven years old.
1779-John Paul Jones notifies the British, "I have just begun to
fight!" and then feels pretty foolish when he discovers that his
ship is sinking.
1793- "Let them eat cake!" becomes the most famous thing Marie
Antionette ever said. Also, the least diplomatic thing she ever
said. Also, the last thing she ever said.
1799-Translation of the Rosetta Stone finally enables scholars to
learn that Egyptian hieroglyphics don't say anything important.
"Dear Ramses, How are you? I am fine."
1805-Robert Fulton invents the torpedo.
1807-Robert Fulton invents the steamship so he has something to blow
up with a torpedo.
1815-Post Office policy is established as Andrew Jackson wins the
Battle of New Orleans a month after he should have received the
letter telling him the War of 1812 is over.
1840-William Henry Harrison is elected president in a landslide,
proving that the campaign motto, "Tippecanoe and Tyler too" is so
meaningless that very few can disagree with it.
1850-Henry Clay announces, "I'd rather be right than president,"
which gets quite a laugh, coming from a guy who has run for
president five times without winning.
1859- Charles Darwin writes "Origin of the Species". It has the same
general plot as "Planet of the Apes", but fails to gross as much
money.
1865-Union Soldiers face their greatest challenge of the war:
getting General Grant sober enough to accept Lee's surrender.
1894-Thomas Edison displays the first motion picture, and everybody
likes it except the movie critics.
1903- The opening of the Trans-Siberian Railway enables passengers
from Moscow to reach Vladivostok in eight days, which is a lot
sooner than most of them want to get there.
1910- The founding of the Boy Scouts of America comes as bad news to
old ladies who would rather cross the street by themselves.
1911-Roald Amundsen discovers the South Pole and confirms what he's
suspected all along: It looks a helluva lot like the North Pole!
1912-People with Reservations for the voyage of the Titanic get
their money back.
1920-The 18th Amendment to the Constitution makes drinking illegal
in the U.S. so everyone stops. Well...except for the 40 million who
don't stop.
1924-Hitler is released from prison four years early, after
convincing the parole board that he is a changed man who won't cause
any more trouble. 1
928- Herbert Hoover promises "a chicken in every pot and a car in
every garage," but he neglects to add that most Americans will soon
be without pots and garages.
1930- Pluto is discovered. Not the dog, stupid; the planet. The dog
wasn't discovered until 1938.
1933- German housewives begin to realize why that crazy wallpaper
hanger with the mustache never came back to finish his work.
1933-Hitler establishes the Third Reich, and announces that it will
last for a thousand years. As matters develop, he is only 988 years
off.
1934- John Dillinger is gunned down by police as he leaves a Chicago
movie theater. And just to make the evening a complete washout, he
didn't enjoy the movie either.
1934-As if the Great Depression weren't giving businessmen enough
headaches, Ralph Nader is born.
1938-Great Britain and Germany sign a peace treaty, thereby averting
all possibility of WWII.
1944-Hitler's promise of Volkswagens for all Germans as soon as
they've won the war doesn't prove to be as strong an incentive as he
had hoped.
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