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Dating an Asian person guide
You're out on a first date with someone you've just met and are
waiting to sit down to dinner in your date's "favorite" restaurant.
Your date happens to be white, but you don't think it matters
because it's hard enough to find a companion that you can relate to
on an emotional and physical level without having to worry about
what color they are. Besides, you're comfortable with your identity,
and more importantly, they don't look like Phil Collins or a sleazy
woman from Nevada who works at a bar just outside Reno (or maybe
they do, it just depends on your imagination -- this is just text
after all). Thai gods and goddesses sit in glass cases along the
wooden walls giving their blessings to the restaurant and its
patrons.
You make some small talk that you make sure isn't too heavy -- you
often tend to get bogged down by talking about middle child syndrome
and the fact that you were a middle child which often leads to a
discussion of why you want to join the Church of Scientology because
all your problems in life started before you were born or conceived,
for that matter -- so you steer clear of the subject and talk about
your date's family instead. It turns out they were an only child, so
you talk about how you always wanted to be an only child so you
wouldn't have middle child syndrome and that would have eliminated
your need to become a Scientologist and -- the hostess, dressed in
what you assume is a Thai outfit, cuts off your amiable banter by
announcing that your table is ready.
You walk to the dining area in the restaurant and think, gee,
everyone's so short here, maybe I've been magically teleported to
Asia -- but you realize that the restaurant is too poor to afford
chairs, so they make the patrons sit on mats on the floor. Your date
takes off their socks and shrinks down to the mat on the floor.
Slowly, a dim thought enters the back of your mind and it occurs to
you that you've been wearing the same pair of socks for the past
three days (you've been busy) (really busy) (and your single)
(insert your own rationalization here). Blinking eyes and a gentle
smile from across the table beckon you to sit down. You
a) excuse yourself to go to the bathroom, throw your socks in the
garbage and sit down at the table barefoot.
b) ask the waiter if they have anything that smells like kimchee and
order it hoping it will stifle any embarrassing odors.
c) step onto the mat with your shoes on and plop right down saying,
"real Asians never take off their shoes."
Both of you order Thai beer malt liquors and the conversation
continues relatively unhalted until the food arrives. You ordered
Pad Thai to keep things simple, and your date has ordered the whole
Tilapia fish with red curry special. You eat family style and the
dishes are extremely delicious and the cold beer washes down the hot
curry spice with soothing swallows that make it seem like you
haven't had anything to drink or do for ninety-six hours except lie
on a bed and stare at fluorescent lights. Eating until you can't
have another bite, you let out a sigh of relief and look into your
date's eyes. The stare that meets you is questioning and their head
tilts slightly to the left. Your date begins telling you why they
like to date Asians. How rich the culture is, how your people's
subtlety offers a mystique A slight tilt of the head, and your date
says,
If you are a man:
"I've dated all kinds of Asians, although I usually prefer ones who
were born in Asia. But what I'm really looking for is a Bruce Lee
Fantasy. You see," they continue as tears begin to well up in their
eyes, "I saw the movie Dragon, and I really identified with it."
If you are a woman:
"I've dated all kinds of Asians, although I usually prefer ones who
were born in Asia. But what I'm really looking for is a Joan Chen
Fantasy. You see," they continue as tears begin to well up their
eyes, "I saw the movie Golden Gate, and I really identified with
it."
You say:
a) Bruce Lee/Joan Chen was my father/mother.
b) Tear down the back of your shirt and expose your bare back to
your date while making "Daah!" sounds like Bruce Lee (watch a movie
for reference)
c) Bruce Lee and Joan Chen never took off their shoes either.
d) Well, we all look alike so I should work out just fine.
e) So did you see that game on TV today?
f) It's just a fantasy, baby. Get over it.
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